Baptist Church Removes Remaining 66 Books from Bible for Being ‘Too Catholic’

[ACMPress] – RED BANK, SC – Just days after voting to have a statue of Jesus removed from their church, the members of the Red Bank Baptist Church voted to remove the remaining 66 books of the Bible for also being ‘too Catholic’.

“We’ve decided as a congregation to remove the remaining books of Holy Scripture because too many passages, chapters, and quotations are perceived as supporting Catholic claims, causing confusion,” according to part of a letter church leaders issued to the membership, as obtained by ACMPress.

“Once we determined that the statue of Jesus – despite having been here for eleven years – was too Catholic in nature, we took it upon ourselves to review everything else that might remind us of Catholicism,” the letter further stated. “We’ve come to the conclusion that while Holy Scripture is not entirely a Catholic icon, many people might perceive it in these terms. As a result, it is bringing into question the theology and core values of Red Bank Baptist Church.”

Red Bank Baptist Church has not announced what texts it will use during services moving forward, but a shipment of Rob Bell books was seen being delivered yesterday afternoon.

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Pope Francis Tells Trump Supporter: “God Made You That Way”

[ACMPress] – VATICAN CITY – A Trump supporter, while touring Rome earlier this week, said Pope Francis told him his politics “doesn’t matter” to him and that “God made you like this.”

Mylan S. Yerrlan, from Akron OH, provided details of their conversation to ACMPress.

“Mylan, that you support Trump doesn’t matter,” Yerrlan said Francis told him. “God made you like this and loves you like this and it doesn’t matter to me. The pope loves you like this. You have to be happy with who you are.”

Yerrlan said his political beliefs came up after Pope Francis commented on his MAGA t-shirt, adding that the Pontiff’s words gave him great comfort.

“First thing he said was, hey, the Latin word for magic is ‘Magus’, not MAGA, and we both laughed,” Yerrlan said. “I told him what it stood for, he took me by the hand and said, I can imagine how persecuted you must be. I answered, yeah, you have no idea.”

The Vatican, which as a policy doesn’t comment on the pope’s private comments, declined to confirm or deny the remarks.

“Any remarks by the Holy Father to Yerrlan does not amount to a public pronouncement, as the Church has no official teaching on the morality of supporting Donald Trump,” one official told ACMPress. “However, a person can find infallible opinions to support their positions simply by reading any Catholic website or blog, if they so choose.”

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Pope Francis, Vatican Launch ‘Be Pope For A Day’ Program

[ACMPress] – VATICAN CITY – Vatican officials announced this morning a new program for tourists visiting the Eternal City: “Be Pope For A Day”.

Slated to begin after Pentecost, the program is designed to bolster tourism to Vatican City while increasing awareness of papal responsibilities. Every Wednesday, one lucky tourist will be randomly selected to be the Holy Father for the day, granting total access to behind-the-scenes duties, Vatican state affairs, and religious matters.

“Pope Francis is very excited with this new endeavor,” one official told ACMPress. “It’s in line with his desire to further de-emphasize the papacy and promote a greater decentralization of the Church. Plus he’s working so hard. He tires easily. This will give him a much needed mid-week break.

“The Holy Father figured with so many Catholics acting as their own Pope, why not give them a chance to see what it’s like? And who knows? Maybe we’ll see some exciting new development of doctrine, or perhaps a call for a synod, or declare some new saint or other. We have no idea what will happen. Which is business as usual around here.”

The Holy Father will draw the winning name at the conclusion of each scheduled Wednesday general audience, and for the rest of the day, that person will assume papal duties until 5:00 PM. The only restricted activities are presiding over sacraments. Vatican employees and their relatives are prohibited from entering the drawing, as are German bishops, members of Roman Catholic Women Priests, or bloggers who have Latin blog titles.

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