PARISH REPORT: Diocese Says EMHC Unemployment Rate May Hit 100%

(ACMPress) WALLA WALLA – A spokeswoman from the Diocese of Walla Walla announced that, as parishes resume public Masses, the unemployment rate for Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion may likely hit 100%.

“It’s a sad situation,” spokeswoman Kno Mo Whyyn told ACMPress. “As public Masses restart, at reduced capacity and Holy Communion being offered only under one species, it’s quite possible most, if not all, of those jobs will never come back. There won’t be the need.”

Ms. Whyyn said the diocese will offer job training to those left unemployed. “The bishop is committed to helping those devastated by the effects from coronavirus. New jobs being discussed are church sanitization and social distance monitoring. Counseling will be made available as well. These are extremely difficult times for our friends in the EMHC community.”

Making things even more burdensome, unemployed EMHC’s aren’t eligible for additional stimulus funds, or state unemployment benefits. In addtion, choirs, music groups, and coffee hour employees are expected to suffer record-high unemployment rates. Even as the economy reopens, these jobs may be some of the last to return, if at all.

“These are unprecedented times,” Ms Whyyn said. “Maybe the silver lining is, they will finally have the opportunity to experience a greater focus on Christ and His sacrifice during Mass, which is the whole point. It’s a lot to ask for, but only God can bring good out of such trying times.”

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Image via Pixabay

Mr. Catholic Decides to Let Jesus Save the Catholic Church

Mr. Catholic stunned all of Catholicism when he tweeted out his decision to allow Jesus Christ to save the Catholic Church. Responding to the May 17th tweet, Jesus admitted the declaration caught him unawares.

“Only I can save it? It’s up to me now?” the Second Person of the Trinity asked, with an exasperated sigh. “I mean, I guess so. I thought I had left the Church in capable hands, but okay. I promise to give it the ol’ college try.”

A spokesman for Jesus told ACMPress that the Word Made Flesh can’t start saving the Catholic Church until all the coronavirus lockdowns have been lifted, and the churches reopened.

“If that’s okay with Mr. Catholic, that is,” the spokesman added.

Mr. Catholic was unavailable for comment, as he was at his regulary scheduled cranialrectal exam, before joining his friends to retake Constantinople.

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PARISH REPORT: Pastor Fills Fonts With Blessed Hand Sanitizer

(ACMPress) GRAND RAPIDS – In anticipation of the public Mass restriction being lifted soon across the diocese, Fr. Mike Robial, the pastor at Our Lady of Good Hygiene, has devised a clever way for returning parishioners to protect themselves from the coronavirus.

He’s filling the holy water fonts with blessed hand sanitizer.

“I received a generous donation of hand sanitizer from a local parishioner,” he told ACMPress. “She’s an Amway distributor, and had gallons of the stuff. At first I didn’t know what to do with it all.”

Fr Robial said the idea came up while having a conversation with the parish permanent deacon, Deacon Taminate.

“He suggested I bless it and distribute it to parishioners,” he explained, “but I figured, why not go one step further? The fonts will be empty, so let’s fill them with sanitizer. Parishioners can bless themselves with it, and sanitize their hands at the same time. Win win!”

Masses are slated to begin Sunday May 24th, preceded by a Blessing of the Masks. Check the online parish bulletin for details.

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Photo credit: mikecogh on Visualhunt / CC BY-SA

Man Watches Livestreamed Mass from Back of His Livingroom

ACMPress – FARMINGTON – Parishioner Ken I. Gettanaman, a member of Our Lady of Good Hygeine in Farmington, was initally disappointed that the Archdiocese of Detroit had suspended all public Masses until April 6. That disappointment turned to appreciation when he learned that his parish would be livestreaming Sunday and weekday Masses.

“I’m glad our pastor is doing this,” Gettanaman told ACMPress. “I’m a daily communicant, and while I won’t be able to physically receive, I can at least sit in the back of my living room, just like I do at the church, in the very last pew. So it’s just like being there.”

Gettanaman initially placed his favorite TV viewing chair in front of his 41″ HDTV, but he felt conspicuous. Before the first reading had started, he had moved his chair nearly into his dining room, at a more comfortable distance.

“Feels more natural sitting back here,” he said. “No one will see me leave after communion, either.”

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Photo credit: Father.Jack on VisualHunt / CC BY

Report: Pope to Infallibly Declare Jeffrey Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself

ACMPress – ROME – Sources within the Vatican have told ACMPress that Pope Francis is preparing a document in which he will infallibly declare that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.

“The Holy Father has been following the case very closely,” an anonymous spokseman said. “The malfunctioning security cameras in his cell, the conflicting autopsy reports, Mr. Epstein’s alleged crimes and potentially explosive testimony, the removal of his cellmate without a replacement  – these things and more have convinced Pope Francis that his ‘suicide’ was too coincidental.”

Declaring infallibly that Epstein didn’t kill himself would make it a truth binding on all Catholics. “This should end the controversy once and for all, because as everyone knows, when the Church declares something is infallible, Catholics stop arguing about it,” the spokesman said. “So yeah, I’d say this is pretty big noose.”

Photo credit: Catholic Church (England and Wales) on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-SA

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